Voldemort meets DEATH
by orangebluethought
Summary: In which DEATH realizes the appalling tactics some wizards use to avoid meeting him
1. Chapter 1

In which DEATH realizes the appalling tactics some wizards use to avoid meeting him

(There is a round planet that does not ride on back of 4 elephants on the back of a turtle swimming through space but circles an insignificant yellow sun.)

The shrouded figure watches as a teenage Tom Marvolo Riddle Jr. exits his father's house. A skeletal hand pulls an hourglass from the folds of a shadowy cloak, inspects it with bright blue eyes and speaks with the echoes of eternity.

OH, BUGGER

!

Death places the hourglass on his desk and studies it. There is a lightening shaped crack threading through the glass and a small black stone rests in the neck. The sand no longer falls. He taps the globe, bones clicking against the glass, but the stone remains fixed and sand refuses to drop.

If Death had an imagination, he would imagine this to be a Bad Thing. Instead he grins (in a frowning sort of way) and reworks the nodes. Wizard wars always annoyingly add to his workload.


	2. Chapter 2

In which DEATH has a near Tom Riddle experience

It is several years later when Death first speaks to the creature once known as Tom Riddle Jr.

The wizard stands in the bedroom of a small cottage in Godric's Hollow and laughs, a harsh, manic sound as he aims his wand at the baby boy.

IT WILL NOT WORK. The words are for the trembling redhead ghost and her black haired husband, but the monster overhears. Yew wand shifts to the cloaked figure.

THAT WILL NOT WORK EITHER

"Of course it will! I will kill you and then I will kill the boy and nothing can stop me!"

I CAN

He laughs again, hard and cruel. "Who are you, that you think you can stop me?"

YOU BROUGHT ME HERE

The wizard stares at him with raised eyebrows, an expression of anger (or confusion—DEATH has never been particularly skilled at reading facial expressions) clouds his face. A few more minutes of staring and DEATH grows tired of the silence.

COULD YOU HURRY IT UP? I HAVE OTHER APPOINTMENTS TODAY. He nods towards the baby boy and Lily whimpers.

The creature turns back to the child. "Yes! I shall kill The Boy! And then I will never be stopped!" DEATH idly considers that anyone who talks with that many exclamation points has no choice but to be evil, like overly perky morning people who don't need caffeine.

WELL. GET ON WITH IT.


	3. Chapter 3

In which Doctor Who is referenced and DEATH plays a game of chess

The skeleton inspects an hourglass so splintered with cracks it is held together by Sheer Will. The sand has run out. The skeleton grins.

!

TOM MARVOLO RIDDLE JUNIOR. WE HAVE AN APPOINTMENT.

"Who are you to dare call me by that filthy name!" The man (creature) hisses at the black-cloaked figure. "I am Lord Voldemort. Fear me! I have ended thousands of lives!"

I KNOW. I WAS THERE. Death tilts his head, considering the man (monster) waving his wand threateningly (frantically) and shouting words only slightly hysterically.

The skeleton reaches out. Boney fingers clamp around the wizard's wrist. Tom jerks, but the hand holds firm. FEAR ME MORTAL. I END ALL LIVES.

"No!" The snake-man squeaks emphatically. "I cannot die!"

EVERYTHING HAS ITS TIME AND EVERYTHING DIES.* The words taste of leather and resonate with an almost Northern accent.

"But I can't." The man whines. "I made certain of that."

ONLY TWO THINGS IN LIFE ARE CERTAIN, AND I ASSURE YOU I AM NOT INTERESTED IN MONEY.

"Wait! We could play a game. Chess." The desperate plea of a dead man.

YES. ALRIGHT

A black table, with matching chairs appears between the two with a chessboard already prepared.

"What the hell is this!" Tom exclaims. "It has multiple levels…and why does that one look like a pepper pot?"

THIS IS THREE DIMENTIONAL CHESS

"But I don't know how to play three dimensional chess!"

I SUGGEST YOU LEARN QUICKLY

"But you're not being fair!"

I THOUGHT THAT WAS LIFE?

"But I—wha—it's not fair."

OF COURSE NOT

"What! Why?"

I AM NOT A VERY SKILLED CHESS PLAYER

Tom is ambitious, cunning, brutal. DEATH is patient. It is several minutes into the game before Tom realizes DEATH still has all his pieces (even though the wizard is positive he captured the queen, and both bishops already), but his side of the board is almost empty. DEATH moves one of his pieces incorrectly. The knight moves itself to the correct position and skewers Tom's king with his lance.

CHECK MATE and DEATH pulls out his scythe.

* * *

*quote from a mad man with a blue box who has met Death far more times than anyone living (besides perhaps Rincewind)


End file.
